BOB needs a new cell phone

BOB received a notice from AB&B.
(See - I remembered to change the name!)

The envelope said -

IMPORTANT
Act now to avoid interruption of your wireless service.
See inside for important details.

Inside - the notice said - (and BOB thought as she read it)

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We would like to thank you for being a loyal AB&B customer.  (Yeah, right!)  In the coming months, AB&B will perform significant network upgrades in your area designed to increase capacity and reliability.  (This is going to be my problem - I just know it!)  Unfortunately, a small number of customers (translation - me) will no longer be able to use their phones once these upgrades are complete.  (Oh, goody!)  Our records indicate your phone (told you so!) with the wireless number(s) identified below will no longer be able to make or receive calls or perform any data function after May 15, 2011.  (Well, that will pretty much make my phone totally useless!)  You must take action to transition (transition? - since when is "transition" a verb?) your service to avoid service termination.  (Of course, it has to be ME who must take action!)

To make this transition (see- it's a noun!) as easy as possible (for you - not me), you may select a free replacement phone from the choices shown below - with no new service commitment required.  (Yeah, I bet!)  When you replace your phone, you must select a new AB&B plan.  (I knew there was a catch!  We already have a really good rate plan - who gives a crap about the free phone?)  We have rate plans to meet everyone's needs (except the plan we have now which is no longer offered - it was grandfathered in from the previous company), and you can keep your current phone number.  (Oh, gee - thanks!)  Your new service will be subject to AB&B's Terms of Service, available at abb - dot - com.  (Something else I get to do - look that up!)

To get your new, FREE phone, drop by your local AB&B company-owned store or call 1--866-xxx-xxxx by May 15, 2011.  (See - I knew this was going to be MY problem!)  Your new phone will allow you to take advantage of the planned network upgrades so you can enjoy all AB&B has to offer.  (How about offering to let me just keep the phone I have?)

Please visit your nearest AB&B company-owned retail store and select your new phone today to avoid service termination.  (Again - I have to do all of the work!)  Again, we appreciate your business and look forward to serving your wireless needs for years to come.  (Or until we upgrade again!)

Randolph H.........
(name changed to protect the guilty)
Vice-President, Sales and Service

(Well, Randolph - don't hold your breath!  If I have to get a new phone and a new rate plan - I may as well get a new provider while I'm at it!)

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I don't want a new phone.  I like the phone I have.

I don't need a phone that connects to the internet.  My laptop does that.

I don't need a phone that takes photos.  My camera does that.

I don't need a phone with GPS.  I can read a map.

I don't need a phone to play games.  I have a deck of cards.

I just want a phone that can make a phone call.

Is there an app for that?



But then again - it's probably just me.